If You Loved Me
by never-give-up-hope2
Summary: "Tali is Ziva's daughter. And your daughter, Tony." There are moments in life so important, so fleeting, that you must capture them and save them, lest you lose them forever. Especially when you're a father. *contains spoilers for 13x24 'Family First'*
1. Chapter 1

CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR THE SEASON 13 FINALE. DO NOT READ IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO BE SPOILED. THIS IS YOUR FINAL CHANCE TO TURN BACK!

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 _A/N: Okay, I didn't plan to start writing again but here I am! This was inspired by something I saw on tumblr (which is 'reallyjustrebecca' by the way, please follow me, I have some pretty great random stuff on there ^_^ ) and so here is my new plan. This story is going to be a collection of one-shots based on the current canon that Ziva is 'dead'. I don't believe that at all but that is what my muse wants to write so wheyyy. If you want to know what I actually believe, then please read my story 'It Was Always Me And You' (and mayybbeee leave a review?) However, this is gonna be a collection of one-shots about Tony and Tali and just basically them vs life. I don't know when updates will come although if nobody likes it then I might not continue it but we'll see I guess. I'm hoping you guys like it and possible leave a review at the end? Thanks!_

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 ** _If You Loved Me (Why'd You Leave Me?)_**

 _-x-_

 _When you said your last goodbye_  
 _I died a little bit inside_  
 _I lay in tears in bed all night_  
 _Alone without you by my side_

~'All I Want' Kodaline

 _Prologue_

This time it's Tony who cries on the flight.

Tali is asleep in the seat next to him, her head resting against the window. Her eyes had been full of wonder when they were flying over some town or other; all of the lights spelled a magic for her that Tony can simply not fathom. After that it hasn't taken her very long to cuddle up with her kehlehv and fall asleep.

It's not many tears at first. It was such a small thing that made him cry too. It was the sight of Tali, curled up into a little ball against the window, clutching her toy. In that moment, he had wanted to turn to Ziva and comment on how much she looked just like her. He had wanted to do that so much it made his heart ache and then the tears had just come from nowhere. Slowly and softly but there all the same.

Then it's more things. The thoughts assault his mind in a torrent of images that he will never get to share with Ziva. Tali's birthdays, Christmas, school shows, parent's evenings, first boyfriends and such. It hasn't really hit him until now; he is a _single_ father. He has to do all of these things _alone._ He isn't sure he can but what other choice does he have? He is _everything_ Tali has in the world. If he were to let her down, there would be nobody else for her to turn to and it makes his heart hurt even more than he thought possible.

Soon, he's crying openly, trying to stifle the sobs in a tissue so as not to wake his daughter. _His daughter._ He does love the sound of that. He still can't quite believe it. He loves her with everything he has and would gladly give up the world for her times over. A love of this intensity scares him in a way that bombs and bullets never has. This is as real has life has ever been to him and he's excited and terrified at the prospect.

He has a child. With Ziva. Ziva, who he loved oh so much and would give nearly anything to see again. Ziva, who he crawled across the world for and created an operation to avenge her. Ziva, who made him walk away from her on a devastating October night that he can never forget.

Why didn't she tell him? It's a question that will plague his mind until his death. He knows that Ziva is – _was_ – very independent and he's all too aware of how she thought she was ruining his life. But a child. Their child. Surely she couldn't have thought that it was a good idea to keep Tali from him? If he had known Ziva was pregnant he would have been there. He would have done everything right. It hurts him that he'll never know what Tali was like in the almost two years since she was born. He wants to know how she felt as a baby, if that smile has looked like Ziva's since day one and if her _kehlehv_ has always been her favourite teddy. He loves Ziva, he undoubtedly always will, but some part of him will always resent her for the decision she made.

However, he doesn't doubt that she _was_ going to introduce him to Tali at some point. The fact that she knew his picture and knew he was her father proves that. Except at what point would he have met Tali? Would it have been a few months? A few years? Or would it have been when he got a knock on the door from an eighteen year-old Tali saying that he was her father?

He looks over again at the toddler, drooling all over the window, and shudders at the thought.

He wishes Ziva were here. He wants to kiss her and hold her to him and tell her how much he's missed her since he was made to walk away almost three years ago. He wants to berate her for keeping Tali from him. He wants to fight. He wants somebody to scream and cry and shout at about all of these emotions and he wants to _vent._

More than anything, he just wants her to be _alive._

He's not quite sure what they're going to do in Israel. He doesn't want to go but he feels like he owes it to Tali. He's not sure when, or if, they'll be back after this visit. Mostly, he just wants to get to know his daughter. They have a lot of catching up to do.

He's still sobbing into the tissue when the pilot comes over the intercom and tells them to buckle up as they'll be encountering some turbulence soon. The loud announcement startles Tali awake and she immediately begins to cry, calling for _Ima._

Tony reaches over to buckle her seatbelt and then smooths her hair away from her forehead. "Shh. It's okay. I'm here," he murmurs.

" _Aba,"_ Tali murmurs sleepily and cuddles into him, falling back asleep.

"Yeah, that's right, Tali. _Aba's_ here." He kisses her atop of her curly hair as her little starfish hand grabs on to his shirt and she falls even deeper into sleep.

Tony falls asleep, needing Tali just as much as she needs him, as their plane continues to fly on throughout the night.


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N: Here's my second in this mini-series or whatever it is! There is a sweary word in here so do be careful for that. If you guys have any drabbles you'd like to see mentioned then do say and I'll try my best to write them. I hope you like this one and please do leave a review!_

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 _Beach_

Tony's not quite sure what he expected in caring for a toddler, but it certainly wasn't this.

Tali isn't an ill-behaved little girl, not even at all, but she is definitely a lot of hard work. She constantly needs watching and cannot be left alone for even a few minutes. Well, perhaps she could but Tony is constantly worried that he'll be turned away for even a few seconds and then all of a sudden she'll have slipped under the water in the bathtub, or will be choking on a grape, or will have swallowed a penny or will have slipped, fallen, and hit her head off the edge of the bed and will be lying horrifyingly motionless on the floor.

He tries to justify this as his reason for constantly watching her to himself, but really the reason he does not want to take his eyes off her is wonder. He marvels at her and finds himself constantly awe of her, if his own feelings for her. He just wants to take her all in, constantly afraid that the evil presence which seems constantly present in his life will snatch her away from him and leave him alone again once more, missing twice as much in his life.

On their final day in Tel-Aviv, he decides to take Tali to the beach. He is sure that she's probably been plenty of times with Ziva and besides, it doesn't require too much knowledge of Hebrew to be enjoyable. Even after all the years of being Ziva's partner and that introductory course he took online, he still doesn't know more than a few basic phrases and being in Israel comes with enough issues of its own without the language barrier.

It's fairly fun. Tali enjoys splashing around in the water and giggles whenever a wave comes up to meet her. She plays around with a pink bucket and spade in the sand and occupies herself in making some soupy mixture that is part sand, part seaweed and part water. She pretends to feed it to Tony, who smacks his lips and says, "Mm, that is _the best_ dish I have ever tasted!" And even though she may not understand exactly what he is saying, she understands the tone and falls back into the sand, laughing.

He's not sure if he's done this right? Does Tali really need factor 50 sunscreen applied every half an hour, especially if she's Ziva's daughter? Does she absolutely have to drink at least half of her juice every fifteen minutes? Will she just drop down dead if he lets her sit in the sun for even a moment instead of making her sit in the shade of their beach umbrella? If he was anyone else he wouldn't say so but he's alone and he's the father of this little girl and he's oh so scared that he'll ruin her for life.

He and Tali are sitting on their blanket. Tali is making a sandcastle with her bucket and spade and he's… well he's just watching her. He's watching her because she's just so damn beautiful. Her smile and her laugh may be his favourite thing in the entire world right now. He loves her so much that it's too big for words to describe.

He just wishes Ziva was here.

He has to turn away. Every time he looks at Tali he sees Ziva. He sees her in Tali's smile, the curl of her hair, her dimples. He loves looking at Tali, he does, but it also hurts him too. It hurts him because he is constantly reminded of Ziva whereas for the past three years he has been trying to forget about her, move on and accept that she had too.

Except she hadn't though, had she? She's been living here, in Israel, all of this time with _their_ daughter. She hadn't moved on from him, but instead had a reminder every day with her. All he had was a goddam goldfish and his memories to keep him company and he laughs harshly at himself at just how unamusing this all is. He looks back at Tali, to keep the dark thoughts away.

She isn't there.

It's amazing just how fast the icy feeling spreads throughout his entire body. It's hard to breathe; something has a hand around his heart and is squeezing painfully.

"Tali!" He calls, trying to keep his voice light at first, but it soon descends into pure desperation. "Tali!" He almost calls _where are you_ but he knows she can barely understand two words in English. His panicked mind tries to desperately flick through his Hebrew knowledge.

He looks around. There are so many people at this beach and he cannot see his daughter in amongst any of them in her blue sundress with the blue sunhat. "Tali!"

He stars to run about wildly, looking for his daughter. He asks strangers if they have seen his daughter but his Hebrew knowledge is too limited to describe his daughter in the state of sheer panic that he is in. "Tali!" He shouts again, his voice no longer pure desperation, but a horrifying mix of that plus a panic and a deadly fear.

This is what he was afraid of. This is what every parent should be afraid of. He looked away for _one fucking second_ and this is what happened. He's only known Tali for a week and already he's lost the most precious thing in his life. Why did he think he'd ever be a good father? He can't even take his daughter to the beach without her wandering off or getting snatched or whatever the hell else there is because he doesn't know where the hell she is.

Then, just as he's about to completely lose it, he hears the distinctive cry of, " _Aba!"_ that he recognises as belonging to his daughter.

He follows the voice and sees Tali just a few metres away behind some rocks. She's fallen over and scraped her knee and her palms and is crying. He scoops her up and hugs her oh so close to him.

"Oh, Tali!" He cries with relief. "Don't even run off like that again, okay? You have to stay with _aba_ at all times. Alright?"

She doesn't appear to hear him, however, and continues to cry into his shoulder. He's still holding on to her tightly when they make their way back to the beach towel in order to get Tali cleaned up. After a while she stops crying and with a cartoon plaster on her knee and palms and an ice-cream cone in her hand she soon forgets about the event and the pain goes away. However the icy hand clenched around Tony's heart takes a lot longer.


End file.
